Little Things Make A Big Difference in Marriage

Last updated on: October 5, 2021 at 1:05 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

Little Things Make A Big Difference in Marriage 2021-10-05T01:05:32-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Try a Few Small Changes That Lead To Big Results

Here are just three small actions you can recommend to a troubled couple, that are likely to deliver some big results and instill some much-needed hope in a fairly short period of time:

Tell the wife to look for things for which she can say “thank you.” We have seen over the years that in most cases (although not all), where women most doubt they are loved, men most doubt that they are competent and respected. The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages research was clear that a wife’s sincere appreciation for the little day-to-day things he does (“thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside”) makes him feel, down deep, she cares about me. Once we truly believe the other person cares, that helps solve (or prevent) bigger problems. (Ladies, if you want more, this blog explains the magic of “thank you,” and this video course will show you exactly how to understand your husband and get to the relationship you want.)

Now, that said, of course there is a corresponding need on the women’s side! Which leads to simple action #2.

Tell him to reassure her that “we’re okay” when they are having an argument (especially if he has to pull away to process)—and to show “you’re mine” affection when they aren’t. Because most women have a subconscious “would he choose me all over again?” insecurity, some painful feelings are triggered in conflict, particularly if he pulls away. When he instead says “I need to process, but we’re okay” it reassures her at a deep level. And for most women, if he does things like take her hand, put his arm around her in church, or reach over and gently rub her neck when watching a movie, it builds a sense of being treasured and loved, which builds a sense of certainty under the surface. The daily certainty that he would choose her all over again then helps prevent that insecurity from being triggered in the first place. (Guys, if you want more tips on how to do that, look at this article, or this short video course on simple ways to understand your wife and make her happy.)

When hurt, tell each spouse to look for a more generous explanation and act as if that is the real one—because it probably is. Now, it is important to note that this is the case for the vast majority of marriages, not abusive ones. But it is astonishingly important for everyone else. In our research, we found that one of the most important things the “highly happy” spouses did differently was refusing to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions toward them.If someone thinks “He knew how that would make me feel, and he said it anyway”, that translates to “he doesn’t care” and it’s downhill from there. But in truth more than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouse—and a huge reason why some couples are struggling is that one or both partners doesn’t believe it. If they change their assumption to “I know he loves me; he must not have known how that would make me feel”, everything about their response—and the pattern of their marriage—will be different.

So as a basic starting point, encourage a couple to try those three simple things for a few weeks and see what happens. Yes, some marriages face big problems that are extremely complex to solve, but those thankfully are rare. In most struggling marriages, whatever their issues actually are, a couple needs to see that they can accomplish a great deal with a few simple changes; and that gives them the hope that having a good marriage might not be so hard and complicated after all.

Enjoyed this article? Visit www.shaunti.com for articles and research on marriage, parenting, and more!

See Shaunti near you! View Shaunti’s upcoming schedule of speaking events.

Go back

marriage

counselors

good news about marriage

leaders

marriage

surprising secrets of highly happy marriages

therapists

Previous Post

September 28, 2021

Does Your Husband Shut Down When You Ask Questions? Here’s Why

Next Post

October 12, 2021 The Surprising Trick to Creating a Positive Cycle with Your Spouse

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I went uninvited before the king, risking death, saying 'If I perish, I perish.' Who am I?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Deborah Ruth Vashti Esther

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »