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5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know as Kids Go Back to School This Year

5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know as Kids Go Back to School This Year

Last updated on: August 16, 2021 at 9:42 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know as Kids Go Back to School This Year 2021-08-16T09:42:40-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

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This particular back to school season is going to be a catalyst—for both challenges and opportunities.

In our research for For Parents Only we identified several often-hidden patterns inside our kids that are essential for parents to understand. And even during a normal year, the back-to-school season increases the intensity of these patterns.

This is not a normal year. Those patterns are likely to take some parents by surprise. But they don’t have to. And they don’t have to be problems, either—this time is just as likely to present opportunities! Opportunities for your child to grow into a strong young person and build character and resilience. And opportunities for you to build a greater connection with them.

Although we don’t have the space to identify all the ways this may play out, here are just two. (Get access to the virtual event I did with the NYC church for more detail!)

Freedom will be even more intoxicating—and there is a lot of pent-up demand for it.

Despite the overall anxiety level, most kids are eager for the opportunity to be back in a familiar environment, with a wider circle of friends and classmates, doing activities and sports, and learning in person. The older kids are also—let’s just say it—eager to get back a sense of distance from their parents. Even if they love their parents, our research found that kids love freedom too.

In fact, “love” isn’t really the right word. They are driven by it. As one adolescent psychotherapist told us, “Freedom is [like a drug] to a teenager. It’s intoxicating. It’s addictive. And it’s often their biggest motivator. They will do anything to get it, and they are terrified of losing it.”

The quest to be their own person and do what they want to do out from under the eyes of Mom and Dad is already one of the biggest motivators from the tween years until high school graduation. (That’s when they actually achieve that glorious freedom—and discover they aren’t quite as ready for it as they thought. But that’s a different topic!)

But given the restrictiveness of the last year and a half, I suspect there is even more demand for freedom today. And since kids’ brains aren’t fully developed yet, that could lead to some really foolish decisions. (“Really?! You truly thought no-one would mind if you hijacked the athletic director’s golf cart and sped down to the convenience store for sodas?”)

Even more than a normal year, we need to be watchful. But we also need to be praying for wisdom about what is simply pent-up freedom foolishness, and what is a pent-up rebellious-heart issue that is being unleashed. Those need to be handled very differently. And if you can use this as an opportunity to come alongside your child, listen, and empathize with their desire for freedom (while still having necessary boundaries), you can learn a lot about what matters to the person your child is becoming.

Which leads to the last item on our list for the day.

Learning what “listening” means to your child is even more important.

We all want to listen to our kids. But during this back-to-school season, here’s a primer on what listening means to them.

It does not mean “listen to my problem.” It means “listen to my feelings about the problem.”

That does not come naturally to most parents. But the survey numbers were stark. Three out of four kids want to be able to share what is going on with their parents (“I can’t believe the coach isn’t playing me after all the work I did to get ready!”) but 81% want their parents’ first step to be purely listening to feelings (“I’m so sorry! What do the other players think? Tell me what your friends said. It sounds like you’re feeling a bit blindsided.)

After your child feels “heard” you can move to the second step of offering ideas and help if they want that. But for eight in ten kids (girls and boys!) they most want you to listen to how they are feeling about the problem. And we’ve seen that this “Step One” matters to even our youngest kids.

This year, as they go back to school, there will surely be a lot of stirred-up emotions. Both ones of positivity and excitement (being back with friends, having more breathing room) and ones of anxiety and stress (worries about how they will do, shutting down again, navigating a new social order). Let’s show our kids how much we value knowing what is going on in their hearts and minds, and by doing so build a connection that lasts long after this very unusual season.

Want to know more about how to come alongside your kids during this unique back to school season? Get access to Shaunti’s virtual August 2021 event on what every parent needs to know.

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See Shaunti near you! View Shaunti’s upcoming schedule of speaking events.

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