3 Things Every Boy Needs From His Mom

Last updated on: May 11, 2017 at 11:19 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

3 Things Every Boy Needs From His Mom 2017-05-11T11:19:33-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

In more than a decade of research with thousands of men and boys over the years, one thing that has stood out is the power of a mom’s words to build her son up – or (accidentally) tear him down. Whether your son is five or fifteen, several phrases are a big, big deal. Here are three:

1. “I’m so proud of you.” All males are powerfully moved by hearing these words, but perhaps none more so than the young, testosterone-laden male humanoids who may at times act first, think later, and thus are more used to hearing (as they are stitched up in the Emergency Room) “What were you thinking?” If you make a point of finding and saying those things worth praising whenever they happen, it tells a young man that this is truly who he is – not that buffoon who occasionally gets dinged for doing something dumb.

2. “Sure, you can try it.” I hesitate to put this phrase so soon after the act-first-think-later-then-require-stitches example used above, but this truly is powerful in a young man’s life – especially when he hears it from “Cautious Mom” rather than “Adventure Dad.” Dads, having been young men themselves, know how vital it is that a boy try to do something on his own. Yes, he might try and fail (see Emergency Room example above), but he might do OK. Better yet, he might actually shine! It is hard for us to let our boy take this risk – no matter how big and husky, these are our babies! – but it is essential for his confidence for the future that he be able to try and try again. Which leads to the last phrase.

3. “It was just a mistake, you’ll do better next time.” We women sometimes think that we have to make a point of holding up a mistake so our son recognizes that he failed and doesn’t do something that way again. (“See what happens when you don’t study long enough?” “You forgot your equipment for practice again? That’s why you kept getting benched last year.” ) But the research with men and boys is clear: your son does recognize he failed at something. For a guy, a mistake or a way he didn’t succeed at what he tried to do, is a huge, huge deal. It looms large in a boy’s mind, condemning him oh, every five minutes or so. He needs to hear you say you believe in him and you know he’ll do it right next time. “I know you’ll be studying hard this next few weeks before exams, and you’ll do great.” And if you say it, it builds him up to believe he can do it.

A boy will never be perfect at what he does. After all, we aren’t either, right? But approaching his actions in these I-believe-in-you ways makes it far more likely that he actually will do it right over time. In other words: by your words of affirmation, you are helping him to actually become that great young man you know he can be.

Want to know how to be kind, when you’re really not feeling it? My research uncovered three daily actions that will transform your relationships – and you. Check out The Kindness Challenge, now available!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Previous Post

May 8, 2017

Why your kindness to ONE person can change the world

Next Post

May 12, 2017 3 Essential Things You Need to Know About a Man’s Brain

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which tribe did NOT ask for land on the east side of Jordan?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Issachar Reuben Gad Manasseh

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »