Wives, See His Anger as a Legitimate Signal of Pain – and Address it with Respect

Last updated on: September 30, 2019 at 7:20 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

Wives, See His Anger as a Legitimate Signal of Pain – and Address it with Respect 2019-09-30T19:20:00-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Every relationship – even the happiest ones! — will have moments of conflict. And how we deal with that conflict can make the relationship stronger…. or really hurt it.

Ladies, one of the clearest examples of this is what happens when you’re in a time of “intense marital fellowship” (as a friend of mine puts it), and your man gets really angry. Maybe he confronted you after his office party about how you teased him in front of his colleagues, and says he can’t believe you betrayed him like that.

Now, you are not only upset, you are taken aback by the strength of his anger. Things are poised to go from bad to worse, fast. What do you do?

First: don’t sit back and cross your arms and say that your man just needs some Anger Management 101. Remember: the Bible says “in your anger, don’t sin.” It does not say that anger is a sin. In other words: Not all anger is abusive. Not all anger is inappropriate. There certainly is such a thing as inappropriate anger, and any man who verbally or physically abuses his wife needs intervention, fast. But this is not the type of anger I am referring to.

What I am referring to is truly legitimate anger –an outward signal of very real internal pain.

So this leads to the second thing to do: realize that your husband’s anger is a signal that he has been truly hurt by something you have said or done. Maybe you didn’t realize how much pain your teasing would cause him, but regardless, it clearly did. And your man is not alone.

In my research with thousands of men and women, I’ve learned that anger for men is like crying for women. When we are hurt, we women often find tears leaking down our cheeks – and we want to be able to cry without being accused of being manipulative or disregarded as an emotional basket case. Just as we express those emotions in our way, men often express emotions in their way.

What are those underlying emotions – what is it that hurts so badly? Well, usually, anger arises from feeling disrespected or being seen as inadequate– which is a man’s most excruciating feeling. In my surveys, more than 80% of men agreed that this was their source of anger during disagreements with their wives.

Once we learn to see anger as a signal of pain, we can dramatically change our response to it, and avoid being counterproductive. You see, when things get heated, and our own female pain runs high (we are usually feeling unloved) our faces and voices can signal even more disrespect. Maybe your voice gets higher and more staccato, or your facial expression changes as you reply, “Betray you? I came to that stupid party tonight instead of my sister’s dinner, just to support you!” Maybe your words became guided missiles aimed at a vulnerable target: your husband’s surprisingly soft heart.

One lady told me she used to have terrible arguments in which her husband would become so angry, he would walk away. But of course, the wife would then feel even more insecure about his love, and found herself crying, and screaming accusations at him; her disrespectful words became fuel for the conflict. She found out later that he was upset because he was hearing wave after wave of accusations that he was a terrible husband – which is not what she was trying to say.

Her solution is a good one for all of us: She learned to take deep breaths, bring her voice down, pause if needed, and think about how to say things so as to avoid words that he would take as an accusation or a charge of inadequacy. She thought about what she could say that would be as respectful as possible. As a result, her husband no longer felt attacked and he stopped getting angry, even during conflict. Today, even when one or both are upset, they are now able to discuss things together.

So the next time anger arises and emotions are high, think about how to do the same. Maybe take a break from the discussion with the intent to finish business once you can respond well, even if he doesn’t. Start back with a respectful tone and words. If appropriate, give him a word of apology (“Honey, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about how that might embarrass you.”) And it will begin to heal the wounds if you find a way to affirm your respect and appreciation for him. (“You work so hard to provide for our family, thank you.” “It was cool to hear your boss’s story about the great job you did on that sales presentation.”)

A wise woman will learn to practice translating her man’s anger as a simple sign of feeling disrespected. Let’s give our man room to be human; specifically, room to be male.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at [email protected].

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

marriage

Previous Post

October 13, 2016

Men, Do This to Enjoy More Sex in Your Marriage

Next Post

October 19, 2016 The Canadian Video to America That Made Me Cry – And What We Can Learn From It

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I am a donkey that spoke to rebuke my master, a prophet. What am I?

Select your answer to see how you score.

A prophet's beast A talking animal Balaam's donkey A miracle donkey

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »