Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
Men, Avoid This Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage

Men, Avoid This Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage

Last updated on: September 30, 2019 at 6:20 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

Men, Avoid This Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage 2019-09-30T18:20:15-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Last week, speaking primarily to women, we revealed the sneaky trap that will quietly but efficiently kill any marriage:

Never, ever, ever think your spouse “shouldn’t” be hurt by something that wouldn’t hurt you.

The same trap can and often does ensnare men.

For both men and women, we often completely forget (or brush off altogether) the fact that we are very different, and thus have very different insecurities. Different doubts, worries, needs and desires. Which means: things that wouldn’t bother us in any way might legitimately hurt our spouse.

Guys, what does this mean for you? Never, ever underestimate your ability to either make your wife feel secure in your love – or very insecure.

I know this sounds odd to you, but even the most confident woman, in a great relationship, has subconscious doubts that you don’t usually see. Most women (82% according to our For Men Only survey) have a deep hidden question. Am I loveable? Am I beautiful? Especially to him? Is he glad he married me?

Although there are exceptions, most men don’t have those questions. Once you are married, you probably don’t wonder, “Does she love me? Is she glad she married me?” So you don’t realize your wife does have those questions. And you have no idea how easily she can doubt the answers.

So imagine that you are displeased with your wife over something that happened. Maybe she overrode a decision you made about one of the kids. Maybe she did something that made you feel stupid in front of your friends. It isn’t a huge life-altering deal, but it matters to you and you’re legitimately upset. You withdraw. Or maybe it isn’t really about her; maybe you’re mostly worrying over some mistakes at work. Maybe you’re working lots of extra hours, and are just tired and in a bad mood this week.

Regardless of the situation, you can tell she wants to talk. Or she wants to make up. But you’re just not ready. Instead you’re withdrawn, silent, maybe angry, maybe sullen and grumpy for a while.

None of what you’re doing would particularly hurt, if she was doing it to you. At least that much.

For her, it is excruciating.

Why? Because it is triggering her personal insecurity. Without realizing it – and certainly without intending to! — you are answering “Am I loveable? Is he glad he married me?” with a resounding “NO.”

What to do? Two things:

First, you probably assume she knows how much I love her. Don’t! She has the “Is he glad he married me?” question every day, so she needs to know the answer through simple words and gestures every day. (See this column for ideas.)

But second, and more to our point here, realize: what wouldn’t hurt you much (if at all) legitimately hurts your wife. So when you’re upset, she needs reassurance of your love to diminish that hurt, or avoid it entirely. Now, you may or may not be able to immediately change your feelings, or your desire to withdraw. But you can change how you handle it. This reassurance will go a long way: “I’m upset, I need some space to process this, but I love you and we’re okay.” That will tell her that this period of displeasure is not the beginning of things going bad.

Your wife is a smart woman, and she probably knows that logically… but because she is different from you, her heart needs to hear it.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at [email protected].

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Previous Post

August 18, 2016

The One Sneaky Trap That Will Kill Your Marriage

Next Post

September 1, 2016 Let’s Stop Dissing Dads (And the Daddy Commercial That Made Me Cry)

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which queen visited Solomon to test his wisdom?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Queen Esther Queen Jezebel Queen Vashti Queen of Sheba

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »