Will My Man Love Me Even When I Act Unlovable?

Last updated on: July 13, 2016 at 9:05 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

Will My Man Love Me Even When I Act Unlovable? 2016-07-13T09:05:36-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Several people have passed along this hilarious GIF – but have also wondered why it strikes such a chord to see a little girl’s ugly tantrum and the caption “I need a man who loves me even when I act like this.” In fact, in a recent column, I explained to men (based on my For Men Only research) why this is a subconscious but very real hope of many women.

And several men have told me they are understandably alarmed by those expectations. I think it would be instructive for every woman to virtually listen in on my conversation with one man who was walking by when I had that GIF open on my laptop. Because his comments were very representative of what I’ve heard from many men. We women may hope and expect our men to love us even when we’re at our worst – but we also need to know that most men aren’t thinking about it like we are.

Listen in:

Me: (Showing him the GIF) “What do you think when you see this?”

Him: (Raising his eyebrows) “That girl is never going to get a husband. She is crazy. And someone would be crazy to expect that.”

Me: “What if she is already married? What if her thought is, ‘I need my man to love me even when I act like this’?”

Him: (Chuckling) “My wife does, that’s for sure. A lot of wives do that and we still love them. We just hang on and hope it doesn’t happen very often.”

Me: “Do guys realize that a woman is sometimes insecure about her husband’s love? So without realizing it, a woman may sort of test her husband because she subconsciously feels, ‘If he loves me when I’m like this, then that shows that he really does love me?’ In other words… would you ever see those times as an opportunity to show your wife just how much you love her?”

Him: (Looking completely puzzled) “No. We would never think that. Because you love the person you tolerate the BS and you just try to get through it. Just get through the chaos and the next episode is hopefully a long way away. [Pause.] But do women really think like that?”

Me: “Well, not consciously, at all. If it happens, it is subconscious. And it isn’t everyone. But lots of women secretly hope that when we’re really upset, our man will move forward and give us a hug anyway. If he will somehow show us love even when we’re at our worst, then it says we must be worth loving, you know?”

Him: (Looking indignant) “That makes no sense. If someone is acting like a spoiled child, it doesn’t matter whether it is your wife or anyone else: giving in to that is the worst thing you can do. You don’t want to encourage that person, because they’ll just do it more. No, no way. I do love my wife, so when those times happen I just try to get through it. But it would be wrong to encourage it by being particularly loving or sweet.”

Moral of this interview? Ladies, we can explain to our man what I did in that column: that we need the reassurance that comes when he is actively loving or sweet when we’re at our worst. We can hope he realizes, over time, that the more he does that, the less he will see the “worst!” But we also need to realize something, too: a man may have a very different view, and that is okay. Neither view is right or wrong. If we want a great relationship, we each have to learn each other. Which means we may need to see that, for our man, just “getting through it” is a key way of showing his love.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at [email protected].

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

marriage

women

Previous Post

July 7, 2016

3 Reasons Your Wife Plays Games Instead of Telling You What She Wants

Next Post

July 29, 2016 Why I’m Grateful for My Daughter’s First Car Accident

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Return to me, for I desire mercy and not sacrifice, and the knowledge of God more than what?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Worship Burnt offerings Prayer Fasting

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »