2 is better than 1: Facing Conflict Together

Last updated on: September 30, 2019 at 6:30 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

2 is better than 1: Facing Conflict Together 2019-09-30T06:30:06-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Dear Shaunti,

I work a lot of hours, and when I’m at home, I don’t want conflict. Problem is, we’ve had a lot of conflict recently – we’re both stressed by some extra medical bills and headaches with our kids – and it seems a whole lot better to me to try to avoid it. We both have good, supportive friends we can turn to, so when things get tense, I tell my wife I’m going to play a bit of pool at Justin’s house or watch the game at John’s place. Only now my wife is getting on my case about me doing that. I would tell her that Justin is a whole lot more fun to hang out with these days, but I’m smart enough to know that wouldn’t exactly help. But what is going to help? What can I do to stop this cycle?

-Out of Ideas

Dear Out of Ideas,

Without intending to, you’re causing the very problem you want to avoid. Although pulling away from your wife to avoid conflict might seem like a wise move, it is actually the last thing you want to do. Why? Because it means you will be feeling more and more distant from your wife just when you most need to draw on a sense of closeness, camaraderie and trust in order to get through this tough patch.

Here’s a comparison that might help. Imagine you and your buddy Justin had some sort of a significant difference of opinion or hurt feelings about something. Now imagine that you and a distant acquaintance had the same sort of problem. Would you be more likely to be able to resolve the conflict with Justin? Or with the acquaintance?

You probably said Justin. Because both of you would be motivated to solve it and do the work to do so, since you are close friends.

Well, marriage is supposed to be the tightest friendship of all.

At the most basic level, our spouse should be our best friend. And by far the best way to create a close relationship with anyone is to spend time around each other often. Anyone who has had a close friend move away knows that is true. When you spend time apart, your friendship isn’t as close and intimate as it was before. It’s the same in marriage. In fact, in our research with the happiest couples, 83 percent said they made an effort to hang out with each other a lot, even through the times of conflict – which kept their friendship strong and made resolving conflict far more possible.

By contrast, by escaping the conflict you are not only escaping your wife and diminishing the friendship between you, but you are making yourself vulnerable to the subtle but poisonous temptation to spend more time with your friends than your wife. Quite the recipe for disaster.

So instead, find ways to spend time together. You don’t have to schedule candlelight dinners every night and stare deeply into each others’ eyes. (I mean, seriously?) But make an effort to do informal stuff like just sitting and having your morning coffee, working a crossword, or just running to the store together. The key is the word “together.”

One noted counselor told me that she prescribes troubled couples just one simple action that – in most cases – leads to dramatically different results over time: To spend at least 30 minutes each night, talking and hanging out, with no negativity. After a week or two, the couple begins to remember why they married each other – they enjoy each other again. And that rebirth in their friendship changes everything.

It can change everything for you, too. You may still need to take some time away from conflict to process things, but don’t escape to a friend’s house. At least for now. Instead, come back to talk with your wife as soon as possible. By doing so you will show her that she is your closest friend and that the friendship between the two of you is worth fighting for.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

marriage

relationships

surprising secrets of highly happy marriages

Previous Post

April 13, 2015

How can I get my teen to STOP relying on social media so much?

Next Post

April 27, 2015 When State Says Pot is OK, How Do I Convince My Child It Isn’t?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I am a donkey that spoke to rebuke my master, a prophet. What am I?

Select your answer to see how you score.

A prophet's beast A talking animal Balaam's donkey A miracle donkey

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »