Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
Don’t Freak Out Over His Need for Space

Don’t Freak Out Over His Need for Space

Last updated on: September 30, 2019 at 7:11 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

Don’t Freak Out Over His Need for Space 2019-09-30T19:11:50-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Dear Shaunti:

My husband and I haven’t been married very long, and I am scared about something. We have never fought much, but just had our first horrible argument. I was expecting him to “make up” with a hug or something, but he wouldn’t. Instead, he mumbled something about needing to run errands, grabbed his keys, and took off! When he came back, I was so angry, hurt, and confused over his leaving in the first place, it set off another huge argument. Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 50 years — him running away every time we disagree about something?

– Scared

Dear Scared,

Your first big fight can be a scary thing – but don’t get so scared that you put your brain on hold! You have probably already realized that jumping on his case the minute he returned was a less-than-effective strategy. What you probably haven’t realized is another less-than-effective strategy: expecting a man to handle things in the way a woman would.

One of the most frustrating and insecure things women go through is when we have an emotional conflict with our man, and we want to talk through it and get some reassurance — but all he wants is to get some space to process things. We’re desperate for a hug, and he’s desperate for his man cave.

Here’s the thing you need to know: both are legitimate needs. He’s not wrong to need space any more than you are wrong to need reassurance. And it is so important that neither of you overreact and say it is.

Hint, hint.

This is a generalization, but is true in most cases due to differences in brain wiring: especially when emotions and pressures are running high, a man needs time to think things through before he can talk about it – while a woman wants to think things through by talking about it.

All of which makes me certain God has a sense of humor.

And He probably also wants to be sure we learn to have grace with each other.

Here’s a detail that may help you have that grace with your man, instead of unleashing on him. In my surveys, seven out of ten men said that during a conflict, when emotions are swirling, they have a sort of “deer in the headlights” reaction. Because their brains are wired for deep one-thing-at-a-time processing, they can’t easily process thoughts and feelings at the same time: as one man put it, “all that emotion furs up the gears.” Men don’t even know what they are thinking yet – much less know how to talk about it! They are upset, confused, and frustrated that they “can’t keep up” with our desire to talk it out. So they feel a desperate need to get some distance in order to figure things out. Like jumping in the car and driving around the neighborhood once. Or ten times.

Of course, as your story shows, most of us women view that “distance” as uncaring withdrawal. But in most cases it is not that at all. Your husband probably cares deeply about you. He isn’t escaping because he doesn’t care, wants to avoid issues, or purposefully wants to leave you hanging when you are in the most pain. Instead, he knows if he’s ever going to figure out what he’s thinking and feeling and work through his anger in a healthy way (rather than saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment), he has to get time to process it all.

So the next time an argument explodes and you desperately want him to talk it through on the spot, in detail, if he just can’t, have grace with him. Ask: “Would it help if we wait until tomorrow to talk about this?” If you can take a deep breath and do that, you will not only see a far better reaction from him– he’ll be far more able to listen when you explain your need to hear “we’re okay”… and give you the reassurance you so desperately need.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Previous Post

March 23, 2015

Negative wife? Here's how to stop the cycle!

Next Post

April 13, 2015 How can I get my teen to STOP relying on social media so much?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What Christian celebration commemorates the resurrection of Jesus Christ?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Lent Christmas Easter Epiphany

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »