Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
When Sleeping Handsome ruins a date night

When Sleeping Handsome ruins a date night

Last updated on: September 30, 2019 at 5:39 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

When Sleeping Handsome ruins a date night 2019-09-30T17:39:21-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Dear Shaunti:

I’m so angry with my husband that I could spit. Every now and then Dave ignores a much-needed opportunity for us to be together, and does something else instead. Like last weekend: after months of working overtime, we recently had a day all to ourselves. The kids were even at a sleepover with friends! Dave was going to help his friend move for a few hours, then we were going for a long bike ride (a special thing we hadn’t done in a while), then have dinner at our favorite restaurant (something else we hadn’t done in a while). I was even planning on a special “dessert” at home (yes, another thing we hadn’t done in a while!). But Dave’s friend had a crisis and the move ended up taking all day, so there went the bike ride. By the time he got home at 6pm, he felt asleep for a nap and I couldn’t get him up for dinner. After how much we needed this break, I can’t believe he didn’t care enough to ensure that we got it! How do I address this with him?

– Boiling

Dear Boiling,

Wow – remind me never to cancel on you! Before you “address this with him,” you have to get a different perspective. While it’s completely okay to be disappointed, have you tried to look over the day from his point of view?

Might it be that he wasn’t simply “ignoring a much-needed opportunity to be together?” Might it be that he wasn’t being a jerk and “not caring enough?” Instead, could it be that the months of overtime and a long move took a toll, and he was just wiped out? Granted, he didn’t pick the best time to catch up on his zzzs, but chances are that he was looking forward to your bike ride and your night out as much as you were. If you look back over the day, chances are it’ll look much different if you choose to believe the best of his intentions rather than the worst.

Keep in mind, too, that he was helping a buddy move, not out carousing on the town. It is totally understandable that you would want him to spend his precious non-overtime hours on you, but it is also worth acknowledging that he was doing something generous for someone else.

In other words – he sounds like a generous man.

Perhaps you can be generous, too.

Whenever we are hurt by our spouse, it’s essential to look for the more generous explanation and act as if that is the real one – because it probably is. In my research, the happiest spouses refused to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions, even when they were legitimately, truly hurt. If we think “He knew how that would make me feel, and he did it anyway,” that translates to “he doesn’t care” and it’s downhill from there. But changing our assumption to “I know he loves me; he must not have known how that would make me feel,” will make everything about our response different.

And thankfully, that is not just wishful thinking! More than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouse! Even in struggling marriages, they care. Yet a huge reason why they struggle is that one or both partners doesn’t believe that fact.

Don’t put yourself in that dangerous place. Absolutely, address this pattern with him. But do it from the assumption that he wants time with you, as much as you do with him. Assume that he wants to make you happy, rather than “he just doesn’t care.” That will change everything about how you speak to him – and how he responds.

Perhaps it’s time to call a truce, book that sitter. . . and maybe find that dessert. Your husband loves you; give him a second chance.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

surprising secrets of highly happy marriages

Previous Post

November 17, 2014

My Way or the Highway: Be Careful What You Wish For

Next Post

December 1, 2014 My Eyes are Up Here: Can I Be Seen as Pretty AND Professional?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month October 2026 September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What do the "Weeping Prophet" and "Book of Lamentations" refer to?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Daniel Ezekiel Isaiah Jeremiah

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »