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Ashley Willis

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Family, Parenting and Religion
2 BIG Things that Modern Marriages are Missing

2 BIG Things that Modern Marriages are Missing

Last updated on: February 11, 2016 at 1:08 pm by Ashley Willis

2 BIG Things that Modern Marriages are Missing 2016-02-11T13:08:10-04:00 Ashley Willis

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My husband, Dave, and I have a passion for helping couples develop rock-solid marriages. We meet with couples at our church and our marriage conferences on a regular basis, and over the years, I’ve noticed some big gaping holes in the foundation of most modern marriages.

It’s so concerning! Even among Christians, these 2 things are often missing in their marriage because we’ve all become accustomed to living this way. It doesn’t even seem like an obvious problem to most people anymore.

So, what are these 2 elusive things?

They are TRANSPARENCY AND RELIANCE.

These 2 things should be a given in marriage, right? .

However, these 2 attributes are missing from most–not all–modern marriages, and their absence is causing many marriages to crumble.

So, why are transparency and reliance important, especially in our marriage?

Let’s address transparency first. To be transparent is to be an open book, honest, and undisguised. This is extremely important in our marriage not only because it is right thing to do but because it builds trust. And, TRUST IS A MUST in marriage. We shouldn’t have any secrets or hidden things from our spouse…no secret cell phones, bank accounts, passwords, relationships, conversations, decisions, etc..

Again, some of you are probably reading this thinking, “Isn’t this a given?”. I get it. And, I agree, but most modern marriages are struggling with living this out. In our modern society, we are taught to hold on tight to what we have as an individual…both tangible and intangible. To fully share and give ourselves over to someone is scary and leaves us vulnerable. And, when we are vulnerable, we open ourselves up to the possibility of getting hurt.

We don’t want to even take this chance–usually because we have been heartbroken before–so we hold back. We keep secrets and stay unconnected just enough that we have an easy exit when things get tough or uncomfortable.

Friends, this is no way to live. This is NOT what being married is all about.

When God designed marriage, He made it to be a joining together, a melding of hearts, and two strong individuals becoming even stronger together by pledging their lives to one another. Read “My husband doesn’t complete me and I will tell you why,” for more on this.

He created Adam and Eve NAKED in the garden, and this is not just a physical nakedness. It is an emotional and spiritual nakedness as well. That’s what God wants for our marriages, and transparency is foundational is cultivating this kind of marriage.

So, how can we increase the transparency in our relationship? We start with talking and sharing what’s on our mind and in our hearts on a daily basis. Instead of watching hours of television before bed, go on a walk and talk. Or, if the kids are in bed, pour a glass of wine and talk. Open up. This will bring more intimacy to our relationship and keep us closely connected. Wives, if you are having trouble getting your husband talking, read THIS.

Another way we can up the transparency in our marriage is to bring anything hidden out into the open. Remove passwords on devices, or if you have kids, make sure you and your spouse share the same password. Don’t have conversations with someone of the opposite sex that you wouldn’t want your spouse having with the opposite sex. If you’ve been struggling with something, tell your spouse about it immediately. Don’t wait. This will only create distance between you, and the problem will only get worse. It is better to face the hard truth TOGETHER now, then to live with a lie ALONE later. Let’s be completely honest and transparent with each other, and our relationship will be stronger for it.

When we marry, we receive the gift of a partner by our side–an ally in our corner. Yet, many of us are afraid to count on our spouse. This is crazy! If we can’t rely on our spouse, then who can we rely on? We must have each other’s backs and be the first to stand in the gap when faced with adversity. That’s precisely why reliance is tantamount in our marriage, but it’s absent in most modern marriages.

If we’re reluctant to rely on our spouse or to allow our spouse to rely on us, then we need to take a long hard look at our relationship. We didn’t get married to live like two independent roommates. We also didn’t get married to live with an unhealthy co-dependent marriage. When we got married, we longed to have a lifelong partnership with the one we love. We vowed to love, serve, respect, honor, and sacrifice for our spouse. We should be able to know–with certainty–that we can ALWAYS rely on one another. And, this means that we ask God to remove our pride and preconceived notions, and we selflessly serve our spouse without expecting anything in return. I know this is completely counter-cultural and even goes against human nature, but it’s what we are called to do. And, when BOTH husband and wife choose to serve one another each and every day, then reliance isn’t an issue. We can rest assured that we can count on one another without a doubt.

In order to build reliance, we must make a special effort each day to make time for one another. Attend work functions together, and try to go to lunch together during the work week. When your spouse asks you to do something specific, try your very best to meet that particular need. Take something off of his/her plate. When he/she is in need of your advice or just wants to talk something out, be there and lend an ear. Don’t do it halfway with a television on or a phone in hand, but lock eyes with him/her and really listen. Every time we do this, we are building trust and showing our spouse that he/she can rely on us.

Friends, let’s make our marriage the very best it can be by being a transparent and reliable partner. When we do these things, our marriage will be much stronger and even more enjoyable. Be blessed!

For more on how to LOVE your spouse and cultivate a strong marriage, check out my husband’s NEW book, “The Seven Laws of Love,” by clicking here.

Also, download our NEW Marriage App for a fun and practical way to connect with your spouse.

I’d LOVE to connect with you on Facebook and Pinterest! See you there, Friend.

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