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Andy Gill

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Identity: Who You Are Is Not Defined By What They Say

Identity: Who You Are Is Not Defined By What They Say

Last updated on: September 28, 2016 at 8:54 am by Andy Gill

Identity: Who You Are Is Not Defined By What They Say 2016-09-28T08:54:34-05:00 Andy Gill

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I don’t know about you, but, I struggle with insecurity. Like, crippling amounts of deeply embedded insecurity. My insecurity, it’s this false belief in that I’m one of the very few that which struggles with feelings of embarrassment, insecurity, loneliness, and/or any other self-destructive behavior there is; all while oscillating in and out of various sets of emotions.

I think they call this, “The Human Condition.”

What makes this so incredibly confusing is my simultaneous desire of wanting to be known, heard, and/or truly seen. It’s a constant inward battle with myself, in which my ego’s clash leaving me with not words, only a paralytic silence.

Looking back, at my childhood, I think it’s fair to say in grade school I was made fun of or laughed at [literally] every other hour, on a daily basis, for the ten years of schooling I spent in North Carolina. I’ve said it before and heard it said before that our past is just a story we tell ourselves, in a sense this is a true, but our body also remembers the shit we don’t.

(e.g. if our surroundings, interactions, relationships, all the way to images, smells, or even sounds trigger what our past has previously conditioned our bodies to react as if we lacked safety – we then, as a result feel anxious, weak, stiff, etc.)

We all react differently to being made fun of or laughed at; some get angry, some get sad, whereas for me, I just internalized and accepted what they were saying (hence, the deeply embedded internal insecurity).

You see, I took these statements as truth; a truth that was unchangeable, categorically fixed. Which is why I’ve come to think that what we come to believe, is the most important thing about us. It defines us, it becomes us, and eventually (in my opinion) it dictates us [or, rather, our actions]. If we don’t control and decide who we want to become, someone else’s idea of who we should be will inevitably dictate our future and overall identity.

Think about it, our cultures aesthetic values in which we’ve come to believe will “enhance” the quality of our life (e.g. if we buy their product, then we’ll be cool, pretty, loved, etc.). When in reality these values are just disingenuous marketers imposing their ideas upon us in order that we might buy their product.

As a result of our culture, marketing, and years of enduring bullying, we begin to carry around an unnecessarily large excess of self disgust and inner hatred.

This disgust and hatred, at least for me, lies just below our radar of conscious understanding. And, as a result many of us begin to subconsciously seek out confirmation from our surroundings that reinforce whatever lie it is we’ve come to believe about ourselves.

Who you are is not defined by what they say. Who you are is not defined by what they say. Who you are is not defined by what they say.

— andy gill (@itsandygill) August 25, 2016

For instance, many times, it’s not that we’re attracted to toxicity so much as it’s that we’re drawn to what’s familiar – and, for too many of us (I’m lead to believe the vast majority of U.S. society) all we’ve ever known has been toxic.

The operative fallacy, for myself, was believing that the path I was on was unchangeable, and that their words, some how, had more weight than what I thought. I underestimated the power of my own mind. I unknowingly gave them control over who I was; I unknowingly was allowing them the authority to dictate what I did (or, for this matter, didn’t do).

In other words, I became a mere reflection of the person others perceived me to be.

Becoming who we want to become, it requires a fight; a consistent, yet intentional resistance and refusal to being put into a box. Today, with vulnerability I admit, I’m still fighting against internalized words from the past, and degrading comments I’ll most likely get in the near future; but, I’m not going to stop. I’m going to keep moving forward, fighting against the current that comes in the form of backhanded jokes, fear-driving “tactics,” and/or vitriolic attacks.

I’m not sure if we can ever be completely in control, but I do believe that nowadays, at least, I’m more aware.

It’s a realization that our past is not just a story but a narrative in which has us set (many times unknowingly) on a trajectory that may not coincide with what we want. It’s not categorically fixed, it’s a very malleable reality.

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Identity: Who You Are Is Not Defined By What They Say

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