Treadmill shows impending demise of Western Civilization

Last updated on: July 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm by Justin Whitaker

Treadmill shows impending demise of Western Civilization 2011-07-20T12:26:00-06:00 Justin Whitaker

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In the spirit of The Onion…

Leeds University in England has confirmed, scientifically, the impending downfall of the West. With the use of a treadmill, medieval body armour, scuba gear and unknown quantities of alcohol, a team of researchers has just how ridiculous education funding has become in England (as well as the weakness of the contemporary Englishman).

“We had to cut an entire department to buy all this armour,” reported head researcher Nigel Failum, “But it was Classics, so I doubt anyone will notice.” In fact a few (former) Classics students did notice, and were quick to volunteer, earning £7 per hour to participate in the study.

“Why just read about history, when I can live it?” One asked, while attempting to triumphantly raise his armoured fist.

Anatomical Sciences researchers also measured head size.

Energized by the findings, universities across the country are searching out departments to eliminate to help fund similar studies. “We’ve eliminated our East Asian studies department to help fund more science students from East Asia,” explains Thomas McFatten of Warwick University.

Officials at Brighton University were especially happy, as they cut out the Ethics, Religion, and Philosophy departments in a single stroke of the sword, or, um, pen. Training in these areas will be replaced by a new section in the student code that reads, “Follow the Golden Rule (it’s on wikipedia), read the Bible, and think about things from time to time.” Researchers there plan to recreate the Anglo-Saxon and Viking armadas of the 9th century to determine… something important… scientifically. Unconfirmed reports claim that national defense and health service money has been committed to this important project.

My two cents… Well, here’s the real story (with video). This is a bit depressing. I suppose there is some merit in determining the physiological effects of wearing medieval body armour, but really? In an age when universities seriously are cutting and/or merging departments in the Liberal Arts and Humanities, one can’t help but wonder.

Perhaps it’s just my selfish desire to get a decent job teaching upon graduation, which only barely overrules my desire to get dressed in armour and walk on a treadmill, but I really do hope things change.

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