Pondering: darkness and the light

Last updated on: April 22, 2009 at 4:59 am by Justin Whitaker

Pondering: darkness and the light 2009-04-22T04:59:00-06:00 Justin Whitaker

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Double rainbow from the Easter drive home (to Helena) with Julie. Taken on her Nikon D-90 🙂

Yesterday’s meditation began with a taped talk by Joseph Goldstein, actually a reading from one of his books. The thrust of the talk, or at least what I took away from it, was that it is not our dark sides alone that we fear and avoid, but also our light, our nobility and innately awakened nature.

Our little meditation group responded with a beautiful discussion, gently enveloped in stillness and silence, akin to a Quaker meeting. We talked about our comfort zone, where we habitually curse others and/or ourselves, teaching ourselves and future generations that they are innately ‘bad’ somehow. This is a comfort zone because it gives us a ready excuse for our negative feelings and actions. If we’re innately bad, then “no wonder…” right?

Whereas Buddhism teaches that we are innately pure – “perfect pure!” to quote a Tibetan teacher of my friend, Margaret. So our negativity and judgmental attitude is not “just the way it is.” It is not to be accepted – except in the broad sense that we must accept what is as an affirmative grounding for moving forward.

“You’re perfect just the way you are; and you could still use some work,” Goldstein said [loosely], quoting a Zen Roshi.

This is the paradox of our lives and it is probably at the heart of all sacred systems of thought. Total acceptance, forgiveness, openness – and yet the realization that there is still work to be done, lots of work.

For me I couldn’t help thinking of the wondrous moments of my life, when things felt most on track. It was in those moments, grace-moments if you will, that I also felt most connected with my shadow side. I could look upon my own judgmental habits, my own anxieties and mistakes with the most acceptance – I could see them more as upaya – or skillful means into the lives of others who have struggled, who continue to struggle with such things. My heart has long been in teaching, and I will continue to work my way (back) there, but I can’t help but see Buddhist psychology and all that comes with it as part of my path in life.

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Then I return to the here and now. Gladly (text removed) surrounded by healthy friends and family. Looking at my own light: meditation, pondering Buddhist philosophy, mastering this small field of thought, interacting with brilliant people – philosophers, Buddhologists, and more, and so on. And then my darkness, as mentioned, judgment (the inverse of the intellect in Buddhist psychology), anxiety – which I chalk up to thinking too much, and so on. I’m also horrible at times with day-to-day stuff. Given time and space/solitude, I can do (IMHO) about three days worth in one, but when harried by various interruptions, I am lucky to do half a real day’s work.

These are things to know, things to work on. But also things to have in mind as I construct my future: avoid jobs where I’m constantly interrupted, meditate often, accept the shortcomings of others as they hopefully accept those in me, coordinate long periods of silence and philosophical study, and so on.

As I ponder my darkness and light, I think of a song I heard earlier today by Kermit the Frog. There is something very wise about its opening lyrics. The idea of searching, of longing, so much built on illusions. Oh well, speaking of illusions that may have their own special reality, I’m off to bed…

RAINBOW CONNECTION
Kermit the Frog

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what’s on the other side
Rainbow’s are visions
They’re only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we’ve been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they’re wrong wait and see

Someday we’ll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it’s done so far
What’s so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see

Someday we’ll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I’ve heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they’re one and the same
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it
There’s something that I’m supposed to be

Someday we’ll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

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