{"id":740,"date":"2023-09-21T16:32:01","date_gmt":"2023-09-21T23:32:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/?p=740"},"modified":"2023-09-21T19:21:19","modified_gmt":"2023-09-22T02:21:19","slug":"church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/","title":{"rendered":"Church Leadership Doesn’t Have to Be So Lonely…or So Toxic"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Pastoral ministry doesn\u2019t have to be so lonely \/ Photo by Matt Sclarandis on Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

I totally understand if you\u2019ve moved on from Alexander Lang\u2019s blog post \u201c<\/span>Departure: Why I Left the Church<\/span><\/a>\u201d already. But for those who are still thinking about it\u2014or who are open to thinking about it a little more\u2014I have a few more thoughts. Last week I wondered: <\/span>What is a pastor, really<\/span><\/a>? I suggested that pastors can make preaching less exhausting, and that they let go of their 24\/7 sense of responsibility. This week, I\u2019m exploring a couple different but related ideas: Church leadership doesn\u2019t have to be so lonely\u2026or so toxic.<\/span><\/p>\n

Lang\u2019s post has me wondering: What makes for a non-toxic church? What makes for a strong faith community? How do we carry one another\u2019s burdens together? What role does a pastor play in this? And how can we make church leadership a place where people are supported and thriving?<\/span><\/p>\n

In other words: How can pastors and parishioners work together to build healthier faith communities?<\/span><\/p>\n

Two main thoughts for today (building off of thoughts \u201c1\u201d and \u201c2\u201d from <\/span>last week<\/span><\/a>):<\/span><\/p>\n

3) Let\u2019s make pastoral ministry about building community.<\/b><\/h2>\n \ In his blog post, Lang reflects on what it\u2019s like to carry so much personal information that so many people share with him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \ \u201cIrrespective of how I learned their story,\u201d he writes, \u201cI carry that history wherever I go. Whenever I see them, they know that I know intimate details about their lives; details that are rarely shared with others. \u201c\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \ This may be a gift. It can also feel like a burden.<\/span><\/p>\n \ But it strikes me as the kind of burden that does not need to be carried alone. The kind that <\/span>should<\/span><\/i> not be carried alone.<\/span><\/p>\n \ I find myself wondering: Are these details really \u201crarely shared with others\u201d? How does Lang know this?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n What if a pastor wasn\u2019t meant to be a secret-keeper, but to help build community? \/ Photo by Ben White on Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n** ** And if he knows this because people tell him<\/span>\u2014because they say <\/span>\u201cI\u2019m going to tell you something I haven\u2019t told anyone before,\u201d or something along those lines<\/span>\u2014then <\/span>perhaps part of a pastor\u2019s job is to encourage these people to tell others. To encourage them to build and strengthen their social support systems.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** When a parishioner shares a secret with a pastor, perhaps the pastor can say something like this:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I wonder what it would be like for you to choose a couple trusted friends or family members in your life to share this with as well. Sharing with a couple friends might help these friends know you more fully and support you through this difficult time.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n ** I know it can be hard to share. But it\u2019s also such a gift when we\u2019re open with one another about the hard things in our lives. It\u2019s how we deepen relationships with each other. Could you and I maybe brainstorm a few people you\u2019d feel safe telling this to, and how you might want to tell them?<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n ** **Personally, as a parishioner, I don\u2019t really want my pastors to function as individual secret-keepers for all the different individuals in a community. I <\/span>do <\/span><\/i>want pastors to encourage us all to build a strong community with one another. I want church leaders to help make the community a safe place to share our struggles with others, and to learn to care for one another well.<\/span><\/p>\n (This feels related to the idea, from <\/span>last week<\/span><\/a>, that pastors do <\/span>not<\/span><\/i> need to be \u201con\u201d 24\/7. Ideally, our communities are made up of lots of people who can support one another. And pastors can set boundaries.)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Of course it\u2019s exhausting to be every individual\u2019s secret-keeper.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But the relationship between pastors and parishioners doesn\u2019t have to be like that. Church doesn\u2019t have to be like that. Pastors can provide leadership to help make it <\/span>not<\/span><\/i> like that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n 4) Let\u2019s make church boards less toxic.<\/b><\/h2>\n**** ** Lang goes on to write about one church member, a politician, who didn\u2019t want to join the church board because he felt that \u201cchurch boards were too cutthroat.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** Lang reflects, \u201cThis man w<\/span>orked at the highest levels of state government and he felt politics were less toxic than volunteering for a leadership role on the board of his local church.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n ** Yikes. That\u2019s a strong statement. As Lang intends it to be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** And I hope it\u2019s a statement that sparks self-reflection for church leaders and church communities alike. I hope it sparks self-reflection for pastors<\/span>\u2014who, although many things are outside their control, surely have some sort of influence on their church\u2019s leadership culture.<\/span><\/p>\n ** I have to believe that it\u2019s possible for a church board to not be \u201ctoxic.\u201d I have to believe there are church boards that are not \u201ccutthroat.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** Sure, all leadership teams have their issues. Their tensions. Their disagreements. Their stressful moments.<\/span><\/p>\n ** But that doesn\u2019t mean that church leadership teams can\u2019t be, on the balance, healthy places to make decisions and work through issues.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** I don\u2019t have all the answers as to what that looks like. (And it likely looks different for each community.)<\/span><\/p>\n ** But I do think it involves leaders asking themselves\u2014and one another\u2014some crucial questions. For example:<\/span><\/p>\n ** \nHow do church staff, board members, and other volunteer leaders experience their roles? How do they experience their colleagues? Their supervisors? Our community as a whole?<\/span><\/li>\nAre there any patterns of communication, decision-making, relationship-building, etc. that people are experiencing as \u201ctoxic\u201d? How can we talk about these things? How can we learn healthier ways of relating to one another?<\/span><\/li>\n ** Are there any ways we operate that people are experiencing as \u201ccutthroat\u201d? How can we be kinder to one another?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n ** As people often say, no church is perfect. Of course. But that doesn\u2019t mean we can\u2019t grow together. That doesn\u2019t mean we can\u2019t become healthier, together.<\/span><\/p>\n ** We can have the hard conversations that just might, by God\u2019s grace, help us become healthier. This is what I hope for, as I read Lang\u2019s post and reflect on what church communities are<\/span>\u2014and what they could be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** So, pastor and parishioner alike\u2014let\u2019s build strong communities together, where we feel safe to share the things that are difficult to share. Let\u2019s carry those burdens together. And let\u2019s figure out how to build non-toxic church boards and leadership teams. All of this may be difficult, but it is doable.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ** Church leadership is many difficult things. But it doesn\u2019t have to be so lonely. And it doesn\u2019t have to be so toxic. Let\u2019s make it less toxic, together.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" * *****I totally understand if you\u2019ve moved on from Alexander Lang\u2019s blog post \u201cDeparture: Why I Left the Church\u201d already. But for those who are still thinking about it\u2014or who are open to thinking about it a little more\u2014I have a few more thoughts. Last week I wondered: What is a pastor, really? I suggested that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4834,"featured_media":743,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[509,524,521,357,518,515],"class_list":["post-740","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-alexander-lang","tag-church-boards","tag-church-leadership","tag-leadership","tag-pastor","tag-pastoral-ministry"],"yoast_head":"\nChurch Leadership Doesn't Have to Be So Lonely...or So Toxic<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What makes for a strong faith community? How do we carry one another\u2019s burdens together? What role does a pastor play in this?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Church Leadership Doesn't Have to Be So Lonely...or So Toxic\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"What makes for a strong faith community? How do we carry one another\u2019s burdens together? What role does a pastor play in this?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Always Re-forming\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-09-21T23:32:01+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-09-22T02:21:19+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/1627\/2023\/09\/matt-sclarandis-S_IV6KqGeso-unsplash.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"640\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"480\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Liz Cooledge Jenkins\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Liz Cooledge Jenkins\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/\",\"name\":\"Church Leadership Doesn't Have to Be So Lonely...or So Toxic\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2023-09-21T23:32:01+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-09-22T02:21:19+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#\/schema\/person\/10d7ce8e6f1a8e4040410eee8e1a48a4\"},\"description\":\"What makes for a strong faith community? How do we carry one another\u2019s burdens together? What role does a pastor play in this?\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Church Leadership Doesn’t Have to Be So Lonely…or So Toxic\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/\",\"name\":\"Always Re-forming\",\"description\":\"Liz Cooledge Jenkins' column Always Re-forming offers a seminary-educated millennial woman\u2019s feminist, justice-oriented perspectives on Christian life and faith.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#\/schema\/person\/10d7ce8e6f1a8e4040410eee8e1a48a4\",\"name\":\"Liz Cooledge Jenkins\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/9986b1c8dbe39047f1807b30f2674045?s=96&d=identicon&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/9986b1c8dbe39047f1807b30f2674045?s=96&d=identicon&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Liz Cooledge Jenkins\"},\"description\":\"Liz Cooledge Jenkins is a writer, preacher, and former college campus minister with degrees from Stanford University (BS Symbolic Systems) and Fuller Theological Seminary (MDiv). She believes that people, faith communities, and religious traditions are at their best when they're always forming and re-forming - open to change, learning, growth, and transformation. She wants to live out a feminist, antiracist, inclusive, community-oriented, earth-healing kind of Christian faith.\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/author\/ljenkins\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Church Leadership Doesn't Have to Be So Lonely...or So Toxic","description":"What makes for a strong faith community? How do we carry one another\u2019s burdens together? What role does a pastor play in this?","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Church Leadership Doesn't Have to Be So Lonely...or So Toxic","og_description":"What makes for a strong faith community? How do we carry one another\u2019s burdens together? What role does a pastor play in this?","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/","og_site_name":"Always Re-forming","article_published_time":"2023-09-21T23:32:01+00:00","article_modified_time":"2023-09-22T02:21:19+00:00","og_image":[{"width":640,"height":480,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/1627\/2023\/09\/matt-sclarandis-S_IV6KqGeso-unsplash.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Liz Cooledge Jenkins","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Liz Cooledge Jenkins","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/","name":"Church Leadership Doesn't Have to Be So Lonely...or So Toxic","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#website"},"datePublished":"2023-09-21T23:32:01+00:00","dateModified":"2023-09-22T02:21:19+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#\/schema\/person\/10d7ce8e6f1a8e4040410eee8e1a48a4"},"description":"What makes for a strong faith community? How do we carry one another\u2019s burdens together? What role does a pastor play in this?","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/2023\/09\/church-leadership-doesnt-have-to-be-so-lonely-or-so-toxic\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Church Leadership Doesn’t Have to Be So Lonely…or So Toxic"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/","name":"Always Re-forming","description":"Liz Cooledge Jenkins' column Always Re-forming offers a seminary-educated millennial woman\u2019s feminist, justice-oriented perspectives on Christian life and faith.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#\/schema\/person\/10d7ce8e6f1a8e4040410eee8e1a48a4","name":"Liz Cooledge Jenkins","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/9986b1c8dbe39047f1807b30f2674045?s=96&d=identicon&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/9986b1c8dbe39047f1807b30f2674045?s=96&d=identicon&r=g","caption":"Liz Cooledge Jenkins"},"description":"Liz Cooledge Jenkins is a writer, preacher, and former college campus minister with degrees from Stanford University (BS Symbolic Systems) and Fuller Theological Seminary (MDiv). She believes that people, faith communities, and religious traditions are at their best when they're always forming and re-forming - open to change, learning, growth, and transformation. She wants to live out a feminist, antiracist, inclusive, community-oriented, earth-healing kind of Christian faith.","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/author\/ljenkins\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/740","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4834"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=740"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/740\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/743"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=740"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=740"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/alwaysreforming\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=740"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}