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Celebrating Trump’s Win With You!

Celebrating Trump’s Win With You!

Last updated on: November 7, 2024 at 9:23 am by Matthew Distefano

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Celebrating Trump’s Win With You! 2024-11-07T09:23:04-06:00 Matthew Distefano

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Congratulations! You did it. You cast your vote for Donald J. Trump (again), and I sincerely hope you’re happy. I really do. I hope you carry that warm, fuzzy feeling of victory right through the next four years (or four minutes, depending on his cognitive decline). Because when the consequences of your decision come knocking, I hope that same satisfaction stays with you. Let’s take a moment to appreciate all the “wins” you’ve set in motion, shall we?

Let’s Start with Your Wallet

Remember how Trump promised to lower taxes and bring back jobs? It sounds great on a rally stage, doesn’t it? But let me remind you of something called tariffs. These are essentially taxes—on you. Sure, Trump likes to frame them as penalties on China or Mexico, but when the price of imported goods skyrockets, who do you think foots the bill? Hint: It’s not Beijing. It’s you, the everyday American consumer.

So, when your grocery bill spikes and you’re paying more for cars, electronics, and pretty much everything else, I hope you’re happy. I hope the satisfaction of owning the libs keeps you warm as your wallet empties.

Healthcare Checkpoints for the Win

Next, let’s talk about your health. Under the glorious vision of Project 2025, we’ll see an America where accessing basic medical care becomes a logistical nightmare. Imagine traveling through checkpoints just to get to a hospital because, hey, someone has to make sure you’re allowed to be there. Don’t worry, though—this isn’t government overreach; this is “freedom.”

When your kid breaks their arm or your spouse has a medical emergency, and you’re stuck proving your legitimacy to some checkpoint official, I hope you’re happy. And I hope no one in the car is pregnant, because that’s gonna look super shady. I hope you take a moment to reflect on how safe and secure you feel in your MAGA paradise.

Deportation: Making America Smaller Again

I also hope you’re happy when people you know—maybe a coworker, a neighbor, or even a family member—are deported. Under Trump’s vision, mass deportations aren’t just a possibility; they’re a promise. Forget the nuance of individual stories or contributions to society; we’re talking about numbers. Big, beautiful numbers of people removed, regardless of the human cost.

So, when you see empty seats at church or notice the small businesses shutting down because the workforce has been decimated, take a moment to celebrate. After all, nothing says “great again” like fear and isolation.

Household Voting: A Real Game-Changer

Ladies, here’s one just for you. Under the fantasy version of America envisioned by some of Trump’s closest allies, we’re looking at a future where household voting becomes the law of the land. No more pesky individual votes for women. Instead, your husband will cast the family’s ballot. To quote the architect of Project 2025: “Sorry we want MALE only voting. The 19th might have to go.”

Now, I hope you’re happy knowing that your political voice may soon be silenced. But hey, think of all the extra free time you’ll have now that you don’t need to bother with civic engagement. Maybe you can spend it baking cookies or knitting MAGA hats.

Banning Porn: The Freedom to Be Told No

For all you “freedom-loving patriots,” here’s another win. Under Project 2025, expect a nationwide ban on porn. That’s right, the party that preaches small government is ready to police your private browser history (just not theirs, I’m sure!). Nothing says liberty quite like Big Brother keeping tabs on what you watch.

When your favorite “entertainment” options suddenly disappear and you’re left to stare blankly at a MAGA mug on your nightstand, I hope you’re happy. But hey, at least you’re free from sin, right?

No-Fault Divorce? No More

And let’s not forget marriage. Under the vision of Trump’s most devoted supporters, no-fault divorce could become a relic of the past. Imagine being trapped in an abusive marriage because you can’t prove your spouse’s “fault.” Doesn’t that sound like the American dream?

I hope you’re happy when you or someone you love is forced to endure unimaginable suffering because leaving isn’t an option anymore. After all, traditional values matter more than individual well-being (unless it comes to the thrice-married Trump!).

A Toast to Sepsis and Dead Fetuses

Finally, let’s raise a glass to reproductive rights—or the lack thereof. Under Trump’s America, women across the country can rejoice in carrying dead fetuses to term because abortion bans will leave them with no other choice. And if they die of sepsis along the way? Well, that’s just a small price to pay for the moral victory of saving the unborn. Because, as Nick Fuentes says, “Your body, MY choice. Forever.” Nice.

I hope you’re happy, knowing that your vote contributed to a world where women’s lives are disposable, and their bodies are political battlegrounds. Truly, a victory for humanity.

The Sarcasm Ends Here

Look, I know this all sounds over the top, but the truth is, none of these scenarios are far-fetched. They’re based on actual policies, plans, and rhetoric coming from the MAGA movement and its figurehead. Voting isn’t a game. It’s not about “owning the libs” or clinging to nostalgia for a version of America that never really existed. It’s about the future—yours, mine, and everyone else’s.

If you’ve read this far and feel even a twinge of unease, good. That means there’s still hope. Use that unease to make a better choice next time. And in the meantime, subscribe to independent media like this. We’ve got a lot more to say about how we can build an America that works for everyone—not just those clinging to a red hat.

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Also, if you’ve been digging my work on here, and want to see me be able to continue writing as close to full-time as humanly possible, please take a look at my Patreon page at www.patreon.com/mjdistefano. Even $1 a month helps bigly!

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About Matthew J. Distefano

Matthew J. DiStefano is a writer and business owner dedicated to exploring the intersections of faith, culture, and social justice. He is the author of The Wisdom of Hobbits and the host of the High Minds Podcast, as well as co-host of the Heretic Happy Hour podcast. Matthew engages in open and thought-provoking conversations that challenge conventional beliefs and promote inclusivity. His work centers on dismantling harmful ideologies and advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, racial justice, and a more compassionate understanding of spirituality. As a farmer and owner of Happy Woods Farm, Matthew also embraces the joy of cultivating the land and nurturing a sustainable lifestyle. With a unique blend of humor and insight, he invites readers to question, reflect, and ultimately find freedom in their beliefs. You can read more about the author here.

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