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“Ankles Only” Bill Introduced By GOP Representatives

“Ankles Only” Bill Introduced By GOP Representatives

Last updated on: May 16, 2022 at 6:45 pm by Matthew Distefano

“Ankles Only” Bill Introduced By GOP Representatives 2022-05-16T18:45:19-06:00 Matthew Distefano

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Washington, DC – A week after the now infamous SCOTUS leak, which, if put into law, would effectively eliminate Roe v. Wade, House members of the GOP have sponsored a bill that would make it illegal for women in most public spaces to show any skin other than their ankles, hands, and of course, their faces. Colloquially called the “Ankles Only” bill, SB 1850 states that it would be a misdemeanor for women to wear clothing that displays “anything above the wrist to the shoulder, the shoulder itself, the back, torso, thighs, knees, and/or calves.”

Currently, the finer details of the bill are being debated over by a select committee comprised entirely of House Republican men. One source told me that while they all agree that women should not be a distraction in most public spaces, disagreement over where exemptions should be given still remain.

“We all agree that in such places like a mall, or restaurant, or fabric store, women should be covered up so as to not be a distraction to others,” said one committee member. “The debate is over beaches and public parks. Some of my colleagues have suggested long dresses while others argue in favor of zip-up wetsuits. Personally, those are too tight, and cause the imagination to run amuck, so I think women should wear those 1870s-style wool bathing suits; but I admit that I’m a bit old fashioned.”

While public support for this bill is minimal, if the GOP takes both the House and Senate in the midterms, it will likely pass with a simple majority.

“This is an exciting time,” said another member of the House committee. “We’ve been trying to take the country back to the 1850s, one piece of legislation at a time, and we think this bill would help do just that. We get this passed . . . imagine what’s next. Finally, white men can take back their rightful place in the world.”

Unfortunately, we were unable to catch up with any women to get their thoughts on the issue, as they were all probably getting ready for a new suffrage movement.

[THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE]

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About Matthew J. Distefano

Matthew J. Distefano is an author, blogger, podcaster, and social worker. He lives in Northern California with his wife and daughter You can read more about the author here.

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