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The Olympics According to Angry, White, Conservative Men

The Olympics According to Angry, White, Conservative Men

Last updated on: July 31, 2021 at 12:27 pm by Matthew Distefano

The Olympics According to Angry, White, Conservative Men 2021-07-31T12:27:09-06:00 Matthew Distefano

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Simone Biles, perhaps the greatest gymnast of all time, withdrew from the overall team event after faltering on the vault. According to angry, white, conservative men with television and radio shows, this makes her a loser.

As we all know, the best people to listen to when it comes to athletic performance are angry white dudes on Fox News. After all, I’m sure most of them played on their JV baseball teams, and perhaps even hit .250 with 3 homeruns over the course of their sparkling 2-year career. I’m guessing even one or two of them made all-league, but then again, probably not. What’s important is that back in ’94, they knew what it was like to perform under the greatest pressure imaginable – on the baseball field in rural Kansas, with 29 people watching, most of them parents and school administrators (and one girl named Megan who was only there because she thought the center fielder was cute). Point being: These guys know pressure!

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering if these angry, conservative white dudes – I’m guessing their names are Tucker, Ben, and Clay – asked Simone’s teammates if they felt betrayed and the answer is, “No, they don’t have to.” What’s most important to realize is that it doesn’t matter what these women think; what matters is what the angry men behind the microphones think. That’s what matters.

Just as important to realize is this: Even though these angry, white crybabies probably can’t name the rest of the American gymnastics team, nor do they care or think about gymnastics 99.99999999999999% of their waking lives, their opinion of Biles (a Black woman with more athletic talent and grit in her pinkie toe than guys named Tucker have in their entire pompous bodies) still comes first. Screw what the entire gymnastics community thinks. Screw what her teammates think. Screw what actual athletes think. Listen to Tucker, Clay, and Ben. They know what’s up.

I’m sure you’re also probably wondering if I’ll mention Kerri Strug or Michael Jordan. Of course I will. As we all know, the situation with Biles is exactly the same, and there are definitely no instances of athletes powering through something to the detriment of their teams. There are definitely no instances of an athlete hobbling around the field/pitch/court so badly that it causes the team to fail. I checked the entire internet. It’s not there. Every instance of an athlete powering through the pain led to success for the team. 100% of the time (see Strug, Jordan, et. al.).

So, as we move forward through these Olympics, remember that in a week, no one will care about these sports any longer. Our angry, conservative friends will have moved on to yelling about some other Black woman. Or, maybe they’ll go back to yelling at men like Kaepernick. Or Lebron. Or someone else they don’t like. Only time will tell. Either way, I look forward to hearing what they have to say because, again, that’s what’s important in all this.

Go ‘Merica!

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About Matthew Distefano

Matthew is a best-selling author, blogger, podcaster, long-time social worker, and hip-hop artist. He is an outspoken advocate for nonviolence, happily married, with one daughter. Outside of writing, his interests include gardening, hiking, and European football. He lives in Northern California You can read more about the author here.

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