101 Things Jesus Didn’t Do That Most Christians Do

Last updated on: December 10, 2020 at 7:16 am by Matthew Distefano

101 Things Jesus Didn’t Do That Most Christians Do 2020-12-10T07:16:07-06:00 Matthew Distefano

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Last year, a picture of some supremely educated anti-vaxxer went viral because of how groundbreakingly enlightened her tee-shirt was. It read: “Spoiler Alert . . . Jesus Wasn’t Vaccinated.” Because I live under a rock, I never saw this until it popped up on my Facebook timeline the other day. So, forgive me if this is old news, but I would like to mention 101 things Jesus didn’t do that some, if not most Christians do on the regular. Why am I doing this? Because I’m bored and have nothing better to do with my time. And I like making fun of stupid people.

Take selfies
Wear denim
Own drapery
Use hair ties
Drive a car
Own a Bible
See a physician
Eat a hamburger
Talk on the phone
Check social media accounts
Email someone
Look at porn
Sin
Own a dog
Use the stove
Drink coffee
Drink beer
Pick up a prescription
Grocery shop
Play video games
Pick up fast food
Watch TV
Balance a checkbook
Mow the lawn
Get stuck in traffic
Go on vacation
Fly on an airplane
Wash hands with antiseptic
Drink soda
Judge others
Brush his teeth
Floss
Shower
Manscape
Eat chocolate
Watch a movie
Read a novel
Wear glasses
Dye his hair
Ask to see a manager
Clip coupons
Clap on the 1s and 3s during worship
Dance terribly
Pluck his eyebrows
Netflix and chill
Wear braces
Wear a thong
Lose his keys
Write in anything other than sand
Use scissors
Send a letter
Go to the bank
Flip someone off
Paint
See a dentist
Eat a taco
Play guitar
Play piano
Play the drums
Use a pencil sharpener
Attend a concert
Wear a fanny pack
Put up the hang loose sign
Surf
Ski
Snowboard
Watch football
Live in America
Vote for Trump
Wear deodorant
Turn on a light switch
Ride a roller coaster
Install laminate flooring
Call an electrician
Watch Saturday morning cartoons
Put away the leftovers
Shop online
Sneak his dad’s nudie magazines
Root for his favorite team
Cuss at his favorite team
Play with Lego
Eat sushi
Bench press
Use a #hashtag
Tie his sneakers
Dunk on someone
Drink filtered water
Graduate college
Graduate any school
Rub essential oil on his feet
Get roped in to a pyramid scheme
Get an X-ray
Shoot a gun
Spank his kids
Vacuum his floors
Forget to call his mother on Mother’s Day
Celebrate Christmas
Listen to talk radio
Care about the 2nd amendment
Respect the American flag
Read this stupid blog

If you can think of anything I missed, feel free to comment below. And hold nothing back because remember, Jesus isn’t reading this. Heck, Jesus may not even be able to read at all.

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