I is for Me

Last updated on: April 10, 2013 at 3:01 pm by Cynthia Schrage

I is for Me 2013-04-10T15:01:02-04:00 Cynthia Schrage

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

This is where the screaming starts.

The inner screaming. The pain that comes from not just slitting your wrist, but from cutting off your entire hand. Or seeing yourself do it.

The past seven to ten days have been okay. About as normal as I get. Not too bad. Nope. But I’ve never been a person who goes about things in a subtle way. So it was bound to fall apart, sooner or later.

When depression comes. It’s a black numb night with no stars. Everything becomes about me: about how God is taking special notice of my situation and punishing me. How nobody likes me. How every movement of the world is designed for my special torture.

Mania is all about the stars. Or, rather, the star: Me. Because when I’m manic, you’d be a fool not to notice me, want me, befriend me, sit in the sheer awe of magnificence.

There are people who think the mania must be better. “Whoa, like a natural cocaine, right?” they ask. Those people are mistaken. Both states bring consequences. A dirty litter like the bottom of a movie theatre after the show is over and the people leave. I’ve watched myself rocket around and how some folks shy away nervously, cautious about my exuberance. I only think of them later, realizing how they were on to me, only they usually didn’t realize it at the time. During the mania, I don’t have time for the feelings of others.

I haven’t been really manic in a long, long time. That’s probably good.

The sad comes more often. The erosion of any sense of optimism. Utter reliance on Word and saintly wisdom gets me through, brings me back.

I was stupid and could not understand; I was like a brute beast in your presence. Psalm 73:22

I spend a lot of time apologizing. I don’t always know if it helps.

*****

I’m participating in the Blogging from A-to-Z April Challenge! Read about it here.

The Mental Side of Life (haynesbrodowska.wordpress.com)
The manic depression of an isolated child (person) (childalone.wordpress.com)
What Goes Up Must Come Down (maryrt.wordpress.com)
Finding Value In Depression And Mania (blogs.psychcentral.com)
Is It More Than The Baby Blues? If You Are Askin This Question, Talk To Your Doctor (everydayfamily.com)

Spirituality and Theology

Bi-Polar Disorder (Manic Depression)

Depression

God

Previous Post

April 9, 2013

H is for Hard

Next Post

April 11, 2013 J is for Jehovah

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category A-to-Z Challenge About Me Bible Blogging Books Catholicism Clean Eating Coffee for Your Heart Crafts Culture Dance Depression Faith Fiction Five Favorite Things Five Minute Friday Food Gardening God-Sized Dream Health Home Care & Food Hope Humor Just Write Life Choices Love and Romance Loved Ones Manic Depression Memoir Mental Health Movies Music Nature One Word Photos Poetry Prayers Reviews Same Old Same Old Spirituality and Theology Style Travel Uncategorized Women's Interest Writing

Select a Month April 2017 January 2017 December 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 December 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 February 2015 January 2015 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 January 2012 December 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 October 2010 September 2010 May 2010 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 July 2008

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz