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The Island (Bay, 2005)

The Island (Bay, 2005)

Last updated on: August 21, 2014 at 9:23 pm by Kenneth R. Morefield

The Island (Bay, 2005) 2014-08-21T21:23:46-05:00 Kenneth R. Morefield

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The movie that put the “allephory” in “allephorical.”

Plot:

A man living in a utopian community discovers the sinister secret behind his existence. Rated PG-13 for instense action violence, brief sexuality, and language. WARNING. MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW.

Reviewer Comments:

Ken’s Viewing Blog:

Opening credits—hmmm, Michael Clarke Duncan and Djimon Hounsou both. I wonder which will play the sensitive black man that provides the social conscience of the movie? I guess Morgan Freeman was busy, what with being in every other movie this summer and all.

Hey, I thought I was watching The Island. Is this the end of The Hours or Titanic?

I wonder if McGregor picked this role for its lack of affect after having to do three Star Wars movies.

There’s Scarlett with two “T”s. She looks nice in a white jumpsuit. Not like Uma in a yellow jumpsuit, though.

It’s people! Soylent Lines is people!!

X-Box product placement.

There’s Michael Clarke…guess Hounsou gets to be the social conscience.

McGregor finds a bug. What is this, Silence of the Lambs? Thank goodness it wasn’t a bat or this movie would get really weird.

McGregor escapes. Isn’t it weird when movies have huge technological advances such as cloning but leave unlocked ducts to multi-billion dollar labs all over the place?

Duncan again, you sort of knew he would be back.

Lots of womb-like images. So, it’s an abortion allegory, huh? The conservatives will love it. Wait, they all have wrist tattoos, so it’s an Aushwitz metaphor, isn’t it?

They both escape. Running across the Arizona landscape. Where the heck are Elliot Gould and Telly Savalas in the crop duster?

They find Buscemi. Can any summer testosterone film be complete without a little gratuitous gay-bashing humor? Not that any gays would come to this movie, would they? Why on earth would a gay person be interested in a movie with three unhandsome actors like Ewan McGregor, Djimon Hounsou, and Sean Bean?

Hounsou hired to track them down. I wonder if his blackness is the give away that he may have moral reservations later on? I wonder if he will get to pound on the back of a truck and yell, “Go, go, go!”

MSNBC product placement.

Duncan is a football player, which makes me wonder, if he were a Redskin (missed product placement), would lawmakers care if his career were extended through illegal means? Would I?

Scarlett sees her “daughter” on the phone. Wouldn’t it be cool if the actress who had her cloned doesn’t make it so that Scarlett could be an instant mom?

Lots of running around, including the trailer shot.

McGregor acts with himself. Is pretending to see yourself in the blue screen easier or harder than pretending to see Jar Jar Binks?

Nokia product placement.

The entire LA SWAT team shows up for a lost credit card hit? What sort of fantasy world is this?

Scarlett’s (two “t”s) lipstick seems to have held up really well, but since this is the only implausibility of the film thus far, I’m willing to overlook it.

Cadillac product placement.

Now this is pod racing!

Honsou kills the wrong McGregor. Nobody looks at his wrist to see if there is a tattoo..

We are free and clear, but we have to go back and liberate those born into slavery, kind of like Iraq. So it’s a war metaphor? But before we save the world, let’s discover heavy petting (but not sex, since it’s a PG-13 movie).

Honsou begins to have moral reservations (ain’t that a shock?).

CNN product placement (president has a clone, huh? Guess the conservatives won’t like it so much).

Lots of Lottery winners going to the gas chambers. Sorta reminds me of Schindler’s List, only a bit more accessible.

Lots of adult fetuses get aborted. (I can just feel the conservatives getting more schizophrenic by the second.)

Sean Bean and McGregor get tied together through the barbs. We are all interconnected. It’s allegorical. It’s metaphorical. It’s allephorical.

The lottery winners escape the gas chamber, but the fetuses get destroyed. Does this mean abortion is worse than the holocaust? (Yet another U-turn for the neocons.)

Lots of people in white PUMA jumpsuits walking across a mountain. Hmm. How did I know this was coming?

PUMA product placement.

Hounsou smiles at Scarlett (two “t”s); clearly helping these clones to not get aborted has healed the scars of African genocide. Also, this is a powerful warning that although the film is allephorical, such things could really happen if liberal stem-cell manipulators like John Kerry get elected.

I wonder if Scarlett and Ewan will go back and adopt the little girl from the phone? What, no? Guess I have a reason to buy the DVD for the deleted scenes.

Roll credits.

My Grade: B-

This post originally appeared at Viewpoint and another message board. I re-post it here just to keep my claiming for coining the term “allephorical” alive.

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