Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (Wirkola, 2013)

Last updated on: April 3, 2015 at 9:30 pm by Kenneth R. Morefield

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (Wirkola, 2013) 2015-04-03T21:30:31-05:00 Kenneth R. Morefield

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

In a desperate and somewhat depressing attempt to wring four hundred words out of a review for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, a film about which there is really not much more to say than, “its title is Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters,” I shall now play a few rounds of “pitch that movie!”

From column one select a famous name (historical or fictional). From column two select a mythical creature. From column three select a verb that is in the thesaurus as a synonym for “kill.” Ready? Go.

Winnie the Pooh: Mummy Exterminator. Ronald Reagan: Unicorn Euthanizer. Johnny Unitas: Mermaid Slayer. Jack and Jill: Mothra Extinguisher. Congratulations, you’ve just green lit the 2014 winter movie season.

The first few months of the year are usually a dumping ground for where movies go to die and this January seems no exception. Hansel & Gretel has the distinction of being big and loud and mediocre in IMAX and while Jeremy Renner’s good-natured hamming makes the first five minutes fun in a “this is a cute idea” kind of way, eventually the movie proper has to start. There are witches and steampunk (which my friend tells me means modern stuff in the style of what was available in the Victorian age) and shots of projectiles flying at you in 3D and explosions and Renner yelling “Gretel!” and Arterton yelling “Hansel!” and a quick break for some non-incestuous skinny dipping and then some more of the same.

I was speaking to a police officer once who told me that he was trained on how to testify in court and that if he said he detected the smell of marijuana and a lawyer asked him “What does marijuana smell like?” the only acceptable answer to give was “It smells like marijuana.”

What is Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters about? It is about Hansel. And Gretel. And witches. The former hunt the latter. Yes, but what it is like? It’s like you might expect a film to be if it were telling the story of Hansel and Gretel only instead of being young, they were grown up, and instead of running from witches, they hunted them. It won’t be the worst movie I see all year. Heck, it’s not even the worst movie I’ve seen so far this year. It’s probably, truthfully, the best Hansel & Gretel film I’ve ever seen. Well the best Gretel film, anyway. The best Hansel film is still probably Zoolander.

Disclosure--AS

Reviews

Gemma Arterton

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Jeremy Renner

Tommy Wirkola

Previous Post

January 19, 2013

Crossroad (Youssefian 2012)

Next Post

February 10, 2013 Amour (Haneke, 2012)

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category 10 Years Later 1999 Top 5 2007 Top 10 2008 Favorite Discoveries 2008 Top 10 2009 Favorite Discoveries 2009 Top 10 2010 Favorite Discoveries 2010 Top 10 2011 Top 10 2012 Top Ten 2013 Top Ten 2014 Top Ten Best Picture Winners Christian Spotlight on Entertainment Christianity Today Coming Soon Disclosure Disclosure--AS Disclosure--Book Disclosure--DVDS Disclosure--SEOL Disclosure--Travel Dissenting Opinion Elsewhere Emergenetics Essays Featured Film Fest DC--2014 Film Festivals Full Frame Documentary Film Festival 2010 Full Frame Documentary Film Festival 2011 Full Frame Documentary Film Festival 2012 Full Frame Documentary Film Festival 2013 Full Frame Documentary Film Festival 2014 Headline Interviews Laura on the Oscar Winners Podcasts Quick Impressions Reviews RiverRun Film Festival 2014 Television The Criterion Collection The Thin Place To Stream or Not to Stream? Top 10s and Other Lists Toronto International Film Festival 2009 Toronto International Film Festival 2010 Toronto International Film Festival 2011 Toronto International Film Festival 2012 Toronto International Film Festival 2013 Toronto International Film Festival 2014 Uncategorized Video Virginia Film Festival 2011 Virginia Film Festival 2013 Women's Film Festival 2012

Select a Month February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What food was eaten during the first Passover?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Unleavened bread, bitter herbs, and lamb Fish and figs Roasted quail and dates Barley and honey