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Overcoming Ego - Embracing the Unvarnished Truth

April 03, 2024 by Duncan Pile

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My wife is a psychotherapist and often talks about the importance of a ‘secure base’. A secure base is a foundation of love which keeps a person safe, even in hard times. That foundation is laid in childhood, established by the security and unconditional care of a loving family, of any shape or size (nuclear families do not have a monopoly on love).

Here’s a working example of how a secure base (or the lack of it) can affect a child’s resilience: if a child comes last in a competition they care about, the security of their base will determine their ability to recover from that loss. Despite initial feelings of disappointment, the child who knows they are loved for who they are will bounce back, because their self-value is not rooted in success. The child who does not feel accepted and treasured for who they are will find other ways to validate themselves, such as through performance. For such a child, the loss of an important tournament leaves a much more devastating wound than for the child whose identity is built on a firm foundation of love. That child might become addicted to the endless pursuit of success, only feeling validated when they outperform everyone else, which is a lonely way to live, surrounded by people they subconsciously perceive as enemies.

Over the course of our lives, we are exposed to damage that can result in all kinds of false personas, depending on how we react – masks, if you like, to avoid vulnerability, especially when removing the mask would expose festering wounds. The damaged person learns to wear numerous masks, each of which is a defence against openness. Perhaps they validate themselves through financial success, or by seeing themselves as a disruptor, or through some form of dominance over others, or maybe by viewing themselves as exceptional or special. There is no end to the variety of false selves we can adopt but they all serve the same, defensive purpose, and the person with their guard up finds it hard to give and receive love.

Another way of understanding these masks and their use is to see them as ego, which is always an expression of pain. Ego is a hall of mirrors, within which it is impossible to see yourself clearly.

How do we chip away at ego?

The work begins with accepting ourselves as we are, recognising the masks we wear without self-judgement. Freedom always starts with love, and for a spiritual person, the first step is acknowledging that God accepts and loves us exactly as we are.

My first tangle with the acceptance of God happened nearly 30 years ago, while studying at university. One of my classmates was a Christian woman called Jayne, or Jay for short. Over time she had become a dear friend, but the relationship hit a difficult patch in my third year, when we kept bumping heads. After a major fallout, I turned to God, asking him to show me where I was going wrong. It was then that I had a moment of insight – fearing the loss of her friendship, I had become controlling of Jay. It was an awful realisation, seeing my behaviour for what it was. I rushed to her room and confessed, asking for forgiveness and promising to be a better friend – someone who would give her light and space instead of pushing her back into a convenient box.

Jay forgave me and our friendship was restored. For long months, things were good between us, but there was an occasion when I slipped back into the old pattern. I don’t think Jay even noticed, but I was furious with myself.

It was then that the Lord spoke to me, in the form of a strong and sudden knowing. I’m sure many readers will have had similar experiences – a thought planted in the brain, accompanied by the emotions and intentions of God. If I could put that thought/feeling into words, it would be this:

'I still like you, though.'

The message was crystal clear and multi-faceted, each angle reflecting the light of grace. I could feel God that accepted me, just as I was, and that even in my least praiseworthy moments, I was still loved as his child. I knew beyond ordinary knowledge that God doesn’t lose confidence in us when we mess up, and that we don’t need to win back his favour through anguished prayers. In that moment, I saw that God doesn’t make junk, treasuring every one of us as a masterpiece, regardless of the state we are in. I became conscious that mercy is a deeper and wider river than I’d ever dared to dream and knew in my bones that the love of God comes without conditions. That simple message – I still like you though – along with the myriad of meanings it carried, taught me more about God than I’d learned in years.

I stopped in my tracks and laughed, overcome by a feeling of joy. God didn’t just love me; he liked me! How many children are told by an angry parent –

‘I love you, but I don’t like you right now’?

The idea of being liked by God was utterly affirming, cutting a major wedge out of my negative self-view. How could I reject myself when God accepted me? Controlling behaviour was just a false self, forged by pain – a way to keep people close to me and my environment secure. The self-acceptance I learned in that moment was a major turning point in my life, enabling me to disown fearful and self-serving ways without turning on myself. I won’t claim I was suddenly free, but this was a permanent change of trajectory that allowed me to make further progress year after year. These lessons are like the proverbial onion – you peel back one layer and there’s another beneath, but real freedom can be found over time.

The power of brutal honesty.

Unless a person has reached a place of authentic self-acceptance, brutal honesty is too painful to consider – if a person still values their mask, pulling it away is not an act of kindness. Truthfully, self-acceptance is everything; once that foundation is laid, being honest becomes as natural as breath because it carries no threat. Candid self-reflection becomes a habit for the person with positive self-regard, because identifying areas for growth is a walk into ever-increasing freedom.

The importance of theology.

The foundation for self-acceptance is the loving nature of God. If God is judgemental and his love conditional, self-regard won’t get us very far, but if God is love and accepts us as we are, positive self-regard reflects the fundamental nature of the universe. We are in tune with all that is! For me, this highlights the importance of theology, and specifically our view of the nature of God.

Many Progressives come from Evangelical backgrounds which are more obsessed with sin than with the love of Christ. As a child, I was introduced to a god who was stern, remote, puritanical, and ready to judge. It took decades to shed the heavy dogmas of my religious inheritance, but by doing so, I was able to know the love of God in increasing measure. That love, in turn, was my springboard into self-acceptance, bringing me in line with the core reality at the heart of all existence – God is only and always love and light, and each of us is a perfect expression of the divine artist.

Note from the author: Anyone who wants to read more of my personal story, I’ve written a book called How to Know God under the pseudonym, James Bewley, which can be found here. In it, I identify some of the junk we need to abandon to feel safe enough to engage intimately with God.

4/3/2024 9:45:14 PM

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About Duncan Pile

Duncan Pile is a writer, author and speaker, living in Derbyshire, England with his wife and stepson. His mystical approach to faith straddles the Evangelical/Progressive divide, and flowing from lived experience, he is passionate about the deconstruction and reconstruction of the Christian faith.

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